I have decided that I want to go back to the olden days when being fat was a sign of prosperity.
Now, being comfortable, means I am a stay-at-home wife and mother and can also afford a gym membership. Damn, I hate that.
I mean, it is ridiculous that I spend my days struggling to avoid delicious treats and second helpings, all while going to the “Y” and spinning like a hamster on a wheel. And as I huff and puff, breathing hard and praying for it all to end, I get to stare at my fellow rats in a maze and wonder how ridiculous this would look to aliens.
I started the “Couch to 5K in 6 Weeks” program TWO YEARS ago. I ran my first 5 K in May. I like to pace myself.
I also hired a personal trainer for about 6 months. Thank God she moved to another state, because I didn’t know how to get out of our relationship. Thankfully, I avoided an awkward break-up because her husband got a job in Florida.
I cannot imagine a more sadistic relationship – except maybe in some fetish clubs – where I actually pay money for someone to torture me like that. I mean, she seemed like a nice enough human being when she wasn’t making me do so many squats I thought I was going to throw up. I never did, but she had literally made clients vomit before.
I dreaded my one day a week with she-who-must-not-be-named.
After a year of steady exercise where I was, in fact, not losing an ounce, (‘cause I loved me some food), I finally buckled down and went back to Weight Watchers. So my exercise/torture sessions with my PT, and alone, are now coupled with a program where I am held accountable to someone else’s scale and am required to acknowledge my food intake.
I have lost 28 pounds in 12 months. Again, I like to pace myself. No hard-core Iron Man training for me. If I need to eat an entire chocolate Easter Bunny from my daughter’s basket to achieve inner peace, then I do, and move on.
So, back to my first 5K. I run slowly, as you might have guessed. I am pacing myself. Knowing that my time would be about 40 minutes, I did not feel the need to push it or try to pass anyone. I was in it to “finish”, but when we started off, a BLIND woman, tapping the road with a CANE was actually beating me most of the first mile and a half. I am not kidding.
Here is a Good Karma/Bad Karma example of life: At about a half mile, my evil inner voice announced in my head – VERY LOUDLY – “I am going to BEAT that blind woman.” I mean in the race, of course, not with her cane. It’s not that I wished her any harm, but DAMN, I should be able to run faster than someone who cannot SEE. So I knew my internal demon was just acting out in embarrassment at her own performance, and I tried to ignore her. All while busting my hump to try to catch up to the blind lady.
Thankfully, the demon’s angelic twin sister got a chance to show herself a mile later (as the blind runner happened to be eating my dust), when I came upon a 70-year-old man doing some sit-up like stretches on the ground. He struggled to get to his feet, stumbling a few times and unable to stand upright. Damn it. Do I risk killing my 40 minute time – which is only slightly faster than walking – to help this man? I mean, there are others behind me who could help him.
Of course, I do. Do you think I am a monster? I stop, offer him my arm, get him on his feet, make sure he is okay to keep going, then off I sprint like a gazelle (in my mind). I just hope that if I live that long, I can WALK 3 miles at his age, much less run it.
And a woman, who cannot see, is my athletic equal, which is an awesome testament to her; she doesn’t let anything hold her back.
Many things hold me back. Like pizza. And chocolate Easter Bunnies.
Trust me; if I had the excuse of blindness, where I could, in fact, not SEE myself and say, did not know what a size 22, XXXL actually LOOKED like, I would not get off the couch. The only thing I would tap my cane and run for would be a pint of Haagen Dazs.
So, to everyone out there, trying to achieve their dreams of greatness, or fitness or just being able to button their skinny jeans, I salute you! Keep going, my friend!