February 22, 2013
The background on Arizona Sheriff Joe Arpaio is extensive. He bills himself as “America’s Toughest Sheriff” and is an attention-seeking publicity hound on a scale that would embarrass Donald Trump. He has been in this elected position since 1992, which tells you more than you want to know about the voting population of Maricopa County, Arizona.
He operates an armed, all-volunteer “posse” and since Newtown, he is now using them to patrol schools. Just after the Newtown massacre, there was a meme going around to the effect that we should put discharged U.S. soldiers in our schools and the image was illustrated by a soldier in full combat gear holding an automatic rifle in front of a school.
Again, you know how I hate to be the voice of reason and sanity, and God Help us All, it is a sad, sad day for this planet when I am the one who looks reasonable, but as I pointed out to people who kept sharing that meme on Facebook – when we have schools that can’t afford classroom supplies and basic lawn maintenance, whose going to foot the bill for these soldiers? And we would need an entire management structure to support it – a human resource department (someone has to process payroll and vacation pay), training, performance evaluations, scheduling – and then who will be responsible for background checks and mental health evaluations? Just because you have an honorable discharge from the United States Army doesn’t mean you aren’t a rapist or a pedophile. It is highly likely that you have anger management issues or post-traumatic stress disorder. Sorry, but armed soldiers at my daughter’s school do NOT make me feel better about her safety.
So, sure enough, Sheriff Asshole Arpaio has his little wannabes running wild on school property with loaded weapons, and the local television station did an investigation that found several of them have criminal records including domestic violence, rape and sex crimes against children. Gee… I wonder why a pedophile would want to be in a position of authority at a school?
And even if they don’t have an actual criminal record, the renegade cowboy attitude that would make you jump at this opportunity has “George Zimmerman” written all over it. You know, the guy in Florida who, unable to get a job as actual law enforcement, was so desperate to achieve his self-aggrandizing hero fantasies that he shot a teenager to death who was walking home from the local convenience store armed with Skittles and a bottle of iced tea.
So yea, I feel confident in saying now that Maricopa County, Arizona’s school children are being held locked safely in the cross hairs of an unpaid group of thugs, delinquents and self-important idiots who apparently don’t have a job to go to during the day, the world has OFFICIALLY gone to hell.
Oh, but it gets better. I mean, this stellar group of posse folks has to receive training don’t they? And based on the sheer genius of this plan, shouldn’t it be provided by the very best? That’s right, actor Steven Seagal, who has not had a decent movie role in years (maybe never some would argue) and who has succumbed to the pit of eternal damnation that is reality television, the last bastion for semi-famous people who can’t let go, is training the local pedophiles and wife beaters on how to take down a school shooter. Just to make sure as many people as possible are traumatized in the process, actual school children are participating in the drill in which they are required to run, hide, and seek cover from simulated gun fire. Wow. You can’t make this stuff up folks.
Okay, Steven Seagal has a martial arts background but he currently looks like a pig on a spit at a luau. His days of winning a match of hand-to-hand combat are nothing but a distant memory for this man. And for some insane reason, he has been deputized in several states and had some sort of reality show where he was a lawman, but seriously… you want to train a bunch of amateur volunteer buffoons in police procedures and you hire a washed up, has-been action star to do it?
Why not ask Bruce Willis or Sylvester Stallone to offer refresher courses? I don’t know…maybe because they can still get work as actors?
Really, this is all so ludicrous that it hardly bears elaborating upon, but Mr. Seagal has harsh words for his critics, “Anyone who has criticized me or the sheriff for standing up to help the children, in my opinion, is an embarrassment to the human race.”
So you might be wondering, who is Asshat of the week? Is it a tie between the sheriff and Seagal? No. Ultimately, the award must go to the one who is the most Asshatish, and for sheer obnoxious, self-important, narcissistic, bullshit gibberish… the award for Asshat of the week goes to… Steven Seagal!
Congratulations Steven. (And I am very sorry to be such an embarrassment to the human race.)