I ran across an article the other day on Huffington Post’s religious blog about the practice of Christian Domestic Discipline (CDD). What is that you ask? Why it is the archaic practice of a Christian male Head-of-Household (HOH) spanking his wife when she acts up and gets all out of hand; some examples used were not getting the laundry done or spending too much money, to which I say, “Bite Me.”
At this point, I did not realize that there was an actual Domestic Discipline movement, and that this was just an off-shoot of that, with these folks saying, “Hey, Christians can do it, too!” My initial thought was, “this is why I love these crazy Christians! They can turn anything into a religious practice and claim equal protection under the law and the sovereignty of their constitutional rights all while not having to pay taxes! That is freakin’ awesome.”
To hell with PACs, one of these days, I am going to start myself a little church with weekly meetings in my backyard. My religion is going to state that the BBQ grill has to be hot and the beer has to be cold. And we won’t have to pay taxes on any of the items needed for “worship.” Hell, I might even get the mortgage written off the tax rolls.
I mean, if those nutty Duggars can do it, why can’t I? Have yourself enough babies to guarantee a decent-sized congregation, make your family a “church”, meet in your living room for a bible lesson on Sunday and not have to pay taxes on all that sweet, sweet dough from your reality TV show? They are geniuses, I tell you.
So whether it is unbridled procreation, making up unintelligible languages while mimicking a mild stroke, S&M Bondage or snake-handling, I just thought, “Wow, Spanking Christians (which is an awesome name for an Indie Rock Band) AKA “Fifty Shades of Grey readers?” Funniest thing I’d read all day.”
Then, I delved a little deeper and spent a few hours on the CDD’s website, http://www.christiandomesticdiscipline.com/, and I’m sorry but I just can’t wrap my head around it.
I guess the primary difference between spanking your wife’s naked behind for her personal moral development and an S & M lifestyle is that it is not supposed to be for sexual gratification but I’ll bet you a hundred dollars to a donut, there is, at the very least, some mild titillation going on. I mean seriously; I couldn’t even read the articles without giggling like a school girl.
Don’t get me wrong, any behavior engaged in by two consenting adults is their business, not mine. You want to call it God’s Will or the Devil’s Temptation, I don’t care.
You want to spank or be spanked, as long as you’ve got a “safe word” and are not a character in a Stephen King novel, bully for you, I say, but the day my husband “lectures me” on what I’ve done wrong, expressing that his love for me and our family is the reason I must be “punished”, leads me to the bedroom (the recommended spank spot) and uses one of the recommended positions and implements (hair brush, ping-pong paddle) as described on the CDD website, is the day that Satan will be serving ice water in Hell, my friends.
As a matter of fact, when I start my church, I am going to require that all male practitioners wear bare bottomed chaps, explore the possibilities of anal pleasure and get spanked with a horse whip. Oh wait, I think I’ve just written the sequel to “Fifty Shades of Grey”; I’ll call it, “Fifty Shades of Maroon.”